I've given up on life. I'm quitting. Goodbye.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I just wanna cry. I'm so stupid. I don't wanna live anymore. I need you but you don't need me. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have let you go. I don't find a reason or meaning to live anymore. I don't want anything. I want you. I need you. You're the reason why I wanna be successful. But now, there's no reason for me to achieve anything in life. I rather end my life. I just don't wanna live anymore. I can't take it. I can't. I hate myself. I need you. I'm in a mess. I need your love. But.. You don't care about me anymore..
Life. Is. Meaningless.
Monday, May 23, 2011
I want you to know that I'm not going to love nobody else. But the way you're acting is like as though you have really moved on. I'm blogging from my phone and I'm gonna let out what I'm feeling right now.
Remember how we used to tell each other that we love each other more? I read all the texts that we had back then. Yes, I kept them. And it really made me cry. You said that I didn't keep my promises. Yes, I didn't and I really regret that a lot. But I'm ready to fulfill those promises back again. You told me this, you love me more, you'll never stop loving me even after you've moved on. You said you'll love me forever. You said you wanna die next to me. You said you wanna marry, have my children. I know I changed all that. But do you still love me? Do you still wanna die next to me? Do you still wanna marry me? Do you still wanna have my children? I hope you still do.. Because I intend to marry you. I intend to be with you. I intend to make up for all the mistakes I've done by providing you a happy life. I wanna be your husband. All the success that I may have mean nothing to me of I don't have you. You are all that I need in my life. I swear. I know I pushed you away. I know I said I'm not good enough for you. I know what I said. But I'm here, ready to fight again to get back your love, to be with you, to prove to you that I can be what you want me to be, to be what you need me to be. But first, I need you in my life again. I need you to be with me. I need you.
Remember when you were being suicidal? Well, right now, I'm the one being suicidal. Honestly, I can't take it anymore living my life without you. Everyday, I think of dying. Thinking about you hurts so much knowing that you're not with me. Knowing that there'll be a possibility that we can never be together. I feel that I'd be better off dead than suffer this loneliness. You are who that makes me lively. Without you, it's just nothing, empty. I almost slit my wrist the other day. I couldn't take it anymore but I just couldn't do it. Nobody knows about this, not even the closest people around me. I looked all happy and alright, but deep inside, I'm suffering my own pain I've caused. Sometimes, I feel that getting banged by a car isn't that bad either. But when I think about it, when I'm dead, I won't be able to be with you. That's what keep me going each day, to be with you again. Though I can't take this suffering and pain, I believe that one day, we'll be back together again. I think I can go blind from crying myself to sleep every night. Maybe that explains my worsen vision. But that's all I can do because it seems like you don't care about us anymore. Every night, I cried thinking about what I had caused, wishing I could turn back time. I really miss you. I really need you. I love you..
Today, it was great to be able to spend time with you again. But it doesn't seem to be anything special to you.. Everytime I looked at you, I wanna cry, looking at the person I love so much, the person whom I die for, the person who means the whole world to me, the person who I only know to love.. Because you are not mine. I can't believe I can be so stupid..
I'm so lost without you.. I really need you.. I love you, Aishah. I have never loved another person except you, never. I hope you know that I am loyal to you. I love you Aishah. I'm sorry..
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I wonder if you feel the same way of what I feel. I wonder if you miss me the same way as I miss you. I wonder if you still love me the same or have you 'used to love' me. I wonder if everything I tweet about you, you know that it is for you. I wonder if you did know that it is about you, do you really care. I wonder who am I to you now. I wonder if you'll treat me differently me now. I wonder if you know that I only love you. I wonder if you know that I have never not loved you. I wonder if you know that I keep thinking about you everyday. I wonder if you do too. I wonder if I can talk to you like before. I wonder if you're referring to me in your tweets. I wonder a lot of things. A lot of things has been going through my mind every night. I wonder if you know that I can't sleep without thinking about us. I wonder if you know how much I regretted letting you go. I wonder if you know how badly I need you in my life back. I wonder if you know what you meant to me. And I wonder, I wonder if you'll ever accept me in your life back...
Myzan loves you, Aishah.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
So, a few minutes ago ended what could have been our 33rd month together.. Yes, I'm damn sad that we were unable to celebrate what could have been another special day for us.. I hope you'll do well for the test that you did just now. I'm still missing you, thinking about you, like I always do.
I'm still hoping that you'll be mine again some day.. I know you might be thinking that I've not done anything to show that I really want you back. I just don't want to disturb you. I know it's a stupid reason but.. Ya, I really don't want to disturb you.. And I really hope those baobei2 tweets really meant nothing because if it does, I'll just regret more..
I miss you Noraishah Binte Omar Alkhatib, I really miss you a lot..
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I hope that my grace period is long enough to keep you away from here..
So, it's a Sunday today and it's Mothers' Day and it's 8 May.. 2 days from today, it could have been our 33rd month together.. So the past 2 days I've gone to town to play LAN with the people. But there's not the thing. Every single time I went back home from town, I will take 65 home. And every time, it just reminds me of the time I always fetched you from work at Vivo.. Every single day, if I could fetched you, I would fetched you from work straight after school. Damn, I miss those moments.. Though I was very tired from school, meeting you has always been the reason to why I'm always happy. That is why I have never complaint on being tired to fetch you although you always say not to fetch you if I'm tired. It was the only time I could see you everyday and I don't want to miss that chance. And every time, it'll be a long ride home and I really enjoyed your presence every time. Although we don't talk often during the bus rides, your presence was all I need to be happy. I really miss having you..
As each day passes, I see more and more of your tweets, I feel more and more insecure. I know I'm not yours but I just feel insecure, I don't know why. Maybe because I love you too much that's why.. Every time you tweet baobei, I feel very insecure, jealousy start to strikes, I feel sad, angry with myself.. You could have still be mine, I know it, we both know it.. But.. I just had to change at the most decisive moment of my life..
I miss you, Aishah.. I really do.. I want to tell you but I doubt you'll bother.. I want you back in my life.. No, I NEED YOU BACK IN MY LIFE. Honestly, my life is going from bad to worse without you.. I really need you. Everyday, I'll look at our pictures together and just cry myself to sleep.. I really miss US. You are the my FIRST TRUE LOVE and I don't wanna let that go.. You are my only love. I was foolish to let you go.. It is the biggest mistake and regret of my life.. You are the first and only girl who I've kissed and I still believe there is a reason for that.. You are the first and only girl whom I have done so many things together with.. You are the first and only girl whom I've experienced so many things with.. You are the first and only girl, that really love me and you are the first and only girl that I really truly honestly sincerely love..
What I wanna say is, I want you back.. I need you back.. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really need you badly. I want you back. I want it all back. I want us back. I want Aishamyzan back. I want our love back. I want to be together with you again. I want to be the one who make you smile and happy again. I don't want others to make you happy. I want me to make you happy. Yes, I'm selfish.. Because I really love you.. I want to be YOUR Myzan again.. I want to be yours again.. I want to be with you.. My heart aches for you.. I ache for you.. Everything about me aches for you to be back.. You are that missing piece in my life.. I swear, I'll treat you right. I swear I'll love you right. I swear you get what you deserved. I swear I'll be there for you. I swear I'll keep what I swear to you. I can't wait any longer. I need you back now.. I now know how it feels to be dying as each day passes by.. I'm dying on the inside. I need you.. I'm crying my heart out for you.
I LOVE YOU NORAISHAH BINTE OMAR ALKHATIB, I LOVE YOU.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I wonder if you received my messages last night..
I hope you did..
Finally, I got some answers from you, something that allow me to know where I stand in your life now. Looks like I'm still in existence in your life.. You sent me a very long text message, I didn't expect you too because I thought you couldn't be bothered. But at least now I know how are you doing and feeling. By the looks of it, you're doing fine without me. But me on the other end, is suffering without you. Yes, I know I'm the one who let you go, I really do regret that. I should have fought for you like how I used to.. But, I wasn't myself that time. I don't know how to explain but I just wasn't myself. I didn't think.. I just said everything out of anger and I really don't meant most of the things that I said.. But it's too late for that now. Everything's been said and done. But I still don't understand why you keep thinking like as if I like her so much?? Why?? I have NO feelings for her. I'm just treating her as a friend. Maybe I was a bit too nice but nothing more than just friends. I know you're hurt by this but I still don't understand how. You said I don't understand how hurt you are by this. Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
Remember what happened last year? You broke up with me because you said you wanted to concentrate on your studies. But after that, I found out you having the time of your life with Hassan while I was all alone, missing you, suffering. Maybe, I do understand how hurt you are, maybe I don't. But I'm sure nothing could hurt more than knowing you actually make out with him. Fuck.. Why do I have to bring this up??? I still can't forget that.. But I still love you though, I still fight for your love.. And until now, I still love you.. I've made a mistake, yes, a very big mistake in letting you go, but can't you forgive me? I need you badly.. I know that time you were single and can do whatever you want, but right after we broke up? That is like betraying the love we had.. But I still forgive you because I love you so much.. But mine, the reason you claim for us breaking up, is nothing as big as that, it's just a crush she had on me.. Can't you forgive me on that? I had no intentions on hurting you.. Can't you give me another chance? Can't you?
To be honest, I don't understand why can't you trust me anymore? I know I changed but I'm definitely the old Myzan now, the Myzan you have always love, the Myzan whom loves you so much, the Myzan who needed you so much, the Myzan who would do anything for you, the Myzan, who you said, is your angel.. I assure you, this is me, this is YOUR Myzan, I'm back, needing you badly..
You said you don't want me back. I was really hurt by that, I almost cried in the bus when I read that but I hold my tears. But, I have no one to blame but myself.. I chose this path and have to bear with the consequences although I don't intend to take this path..
I just want another chance, I want you back, I need you back, I need my life back, I need my other half back, I need my love, I need my one true love, I need my Aishah.. Please give me a chance, I'll do anything to gain your trust and love back.. Yes, I'm desperate, I'm desperate for your love back, I'm desperate to have you by my side again, because I really need you in my life.. Aishah..
Monday, April 25, 2011
I just fucking miss you.
I hope you're doing fine, I'm really worried about you after what I saw on twitter.
I wish there's something I could do.
Today seems like a good day for me. Managed to chat with Aishah and tweet with her. :)
Was supposed to see her just now when I bought for her food. But then, Fadhil appeared when I was waiting for her so I just passed it to him. Was looking forward to seeing her but I guess it was not meant to be? Haish.. I wanna see that face of hers again that always makes me smile.
And oh, I almost got banged by two cars.. Thanks to my lapse in concentration. FML seriously..
I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight.. I'm still missing you.. The only thing on my mind is you and the only word that I mumble is your name.. Haish.. Good nite then..